Be selfish not self centered
Help yourself by focusing on the world outside your head
The world would be a better, kinder, more equitable place if people were more selfish and less self-centered.
That sounds like a contradiction because we erroneously take “self-centered” and “selfish” to mean the same negative thing.
Being selfish means putting your own wants and needs ahead of everyone else. At first glance, that seems to be what self-centered means as well.
But self-centeredness doesn’t refer to actions, it is not about what you are trying to do, it is about what you are paying attention to. It means focusing on ourselves as opposed to other people.
Specifically it means your mind is focused on your internal model of reality, rather than on actual reality. That’s not inherently a bad thing, it’s really the only practical approach. We simply cannot pay attention to every little detail of the world out there all at once all the time. It’s just not possible.
So it is perfectly normal to be operating from a model of reality in your head which does not necessarily 100% match the actual reality out there. But someone who is self-centered takes that too far.
The proper approach is to use that model in your head to make decisions but continually update it, always being open to new information and especially new information that doesn’t align with what you believe to be true.
This is because the degree to which something contradicts what you currently believe to be true is the degree to which you are learning something new. Information that is surprising or uncomfortable is a gift from the gods as that is when you grow and learn the most..
Someone who is self-centered doesn’t see things that way. They do not check with reality but instead operate strictly from their internal model which drifts further and further away from actual reality.
You see this all the time in politics, religion, interpersonal relationships, etc. Any area where people interact with each other. People make statements as to what good behavior is and assume that they must be doing that without checking to see if they actually are.
Their focus is centered on themselves, specifically on the idea of their actions that they have in their heads not the actual actions that they are doing and their effect on the world around them.
Its key to realize that this doesn’t necessarily mean that they are also selfish. You could be operating from an unrealistic internal model of the world but that model could still include helping people and even sacrificing benefits yourself.
You could earnestly and authentically put other people’s wants and needs above your own but if those only exist in your own head and aren’t what the other person actually wants or really needs, then you could be genuinely unselfish in your perception of yourself but completely selfish in your actual actions.
We are also constantly told that being selfish is contrary to making things better for anyone other than ourselves. Being selfish is cast as something inherently wrong, in much the same way that being “entitled” is.
Looking out for one’s own best interests isn’t automatically a bad thing. But if everyone is selfishly doing so then wouldn’t that result in a nasty back stabbing world? The answer is yes, but only if you are not being effectively selfish.
Generally when someone is acting in a way that other people would describe as being selfish, it usually ends up hurting themselves in the long run. In other words the actions that we normally describe as selfish are actually bad for the person exhibiting them.
These people are usually acting out of immediate emotion and gratification and not thinking critically about what the long term harm may be. This is a short-sighted, ineffective kind of selfishness. and NOT the “effective selfishness” that actually results in what is best for them.
That is where self-centeredness comes back into play. When we are focused only on our interior selves, on what we are feeling, we close ourselves off from the outside world, from actual reality.
We end up having our immediate feelings and emotional state become the reality that drives our actions instead of a sober judgement as to what is best for us long term.
Animals are self-centered, they cannot be selfish because they don’t have wants and desires, only needs. A world with ineffectively selfish people is one of animalistic, self-centered individuals who are continually screwed by reality because they are paying zero attention to it.
It’s a world of immediate gratification, of individual isolated humans and negates the strength of humanity which is working together. It is one that is worse for everyone in it and not one that someone effectively selfish should strive for.
If instead we take a step back from our internal feelings and emotions and focus on what is truly in our best interests, the vast majority of the time that will actually look less selfish. Getting along with other people is in our own best interests so being effectively selfish means sometimes being immediately selfless.
Only when our actions arise from a selfish desire to live a more harmonious, satisfied existence instead of being driven by isolated self-centered emotional reactions will we achieve a better world for everyone.
