Envy good, Jealousy Bad
Lacking what you want should motivate not discourage
Envy and jealousy seem like interchangeable terms because both talk about the feeling we get when we see another person who has something we desire but don’t have ourselves. However they are actually very different and understanding how is very important to achieving what we want.
Envy is wanting what other people have and you don’t. Jealousy is resenting that another person has something you don’t.
Envy says I wish I had that stuff. Jealousy says I wish I was that other person who has that stuff. This is a crucial distinction.
When we are envious we imagine ourselves with those things we don’t have, how much happier or more satisfied (rightly or wrongly) we would be if we had them.
This often doesn’t feel great as it inevitably draws attention to what we lack as much as it gives us ideas as to what we can aspire to. But inherent in motivation and drive is the idea of getting something we don’t have or achieving something we haven’t yet.
As a result envy pushes us to start thinking about how we can get those things. This can be intimidating because maybe our circumstances are such that doing this will be very difficult. But a small possibility is still a possibility. Envy is clean. Envy is motivational.
Unfortunately, when we see someone who has stuff we want and don’t have, we often react with jealousy instead.
When we are jealous of someone, we are not focusing on the things they have, we are focusing on the person themselves. We aren’t really even thinking of the good things they have which we want, instead we imagine ourselves being that other person so that we will have what they have.
At some level this is because we don’t believe it is possible for us to have those things. We think that only if we were a different person, specifically this lucky other person, could we have those things we want.
This is incredibly disempowering because the more that you focus on that other person, who you can never be, the less you feel that you are able to get those things they have. At the heart of jealousy is the assumption that the reason that different people have different things has everything to do with who they are and nothing to do with anything they actually did.
Lack in the case of envy is a state we find ourselves in and the implication is that there is another state of being where we no longer lack. With envy, lack is external and something we can effect through decisions we make and the actions that result. Our circumstances are what is lacking.
Lack in the case of jealousy is a trait, it’s part of who we are as a person. With jealousy lack is internal, it’s something that we can never correct or change because we can never be a different person. It tells us there is no decision we can make or action we can take to get what we want. With jealousy it is not our circumstances that are lacking, it is ourselves.
The really insidious thing is that to a large extent jealousy is more comfortable because it is telling us that we are just unlucky, that our lack of stuff or accomplishments is not our fault but rather a fundamental part of who we are. It says that it is not hard work that will get us that thing, it is being someone else. So since that is impossible, there is no point in even trying. Jealousy lets us off the hook at the same time as it squashes our spirit.
Envy on the other hand is hugely uncomfortable. It is saying that other person has that stuff because of actions they took and we need to take similar actions if we want similar stuff. It challenges us to stop making excuses and get off our butt to actually try and get what we want even when it seems that it may be too difficult or may not be possible.
Envy traps us into not being able to give up. It pushes us out of the comfort of the status quo where we accept that we don’t have what we want and don’t have to do anything about it. It forces us to face the discomfort of working towards changing that situation.
In a way, seeing what other people have is a good way to find out what we want. If not for that, we would be limited to only what we already know of. Other people with their different experience and background are a good way to expand your vision of your future. So long as we don’t confuse the person for their achievements.
So the next time you feel that hot shame of envy, lean into it. Embrace the possibility of having what you currently don’t have and use that to drive you forward.
